Memories Of Time Past

This post is a long one. It details little stories I've told to people over and over again. I once said 'I tell this story so many times, I should write it down and just hand it to someone.' Then I started to think that if I write it down, at least it's in print somewhere. So I wrote down the premise of most of the stories as a start. Then I lost that list. Recently I found it again and I made sure I wrote everything down.

So now, here's the stories I want to share. If you know me, you've probably heard a few of these already. I share them with you now, for the first time or again. Enjoy!

Pissing Contest #1 - Me and Keith Klassy were once again trying to prove who was the tougher shit. At my home, we had a gravel driveway. I could walk pretty well on the driveway with no shoes on. Keith said he could, too. So both he and I raced down the gravel driveway. I won. (There will be more 'Pissing Contest' stories in the future, I just know it)

One day, I was over at my neighbor’s house. We were playing the game ‘Alligators’. The concept of the game was thus: there was a blanket laid on the ground beside a picnic table. A couple people played ‘Alligators’. They had to remain inside the blanketed area. Everyone else jumped off the picnic table and into the blanketed area. You then had to retreat off it before you were touched. Already, if you can’t tell, this story is ripe for disaster. I don’t recall how long the game went on, but when I was in the process of jumping, one of them grabbed my foot midair and I lost my composure and crashed into the ground. I got the wind knocked out of me and had trouble breathing. I just remember my parents came running out to get me, moved me into the house and laid me on the couch. For some reason or another, the ambulance came, just as a precaution. My neighbors broke down crying because they thought I was seriously hurt (because there’s an ambulance!). But I do believe I was just fine.

One day Keith, Dan and I were walking down main street. There was a horse and buggy ride that had been going on in town for a few days. Once, my dad got the attention of the guy and we got to ride on it. I remember it being fun. Anyway, that day, Keith said he wanted to ride on it. I recalled, to my best, that my dad just said ‘stop, can we have a ride?’ So I told Keith, just go running up to them yelling ‘stop’. Keith took off running crying out ‘stop…. stop… stop!’ They never did, and he turned around in defeat. What I’ll always remember most about this story is not so much the story itself, but whenever I recalled all these details I would literally break out laughing.

Dan Swiggum told me this story. Whenever he tells me in times past, he always replaces Nate DiPiaza with me. The fact is, I was never there, I only heard this story through the people involved. Here’s how it went: Chris Swenson and Nate were by Blanchardville’s dam. There was a little patch of an island just off the mainland. It’s measurements (roughly) were 2’ x 2’. Those two guys were apparently jumping back and forth to kill time. Keith and Dan came walking down the path to find the two. There was always this rough rivalry between all of us. And he informed us that we were doing this all wrong. He then jumped himself, but over shot and fell into the river. He came splashing back up yelling and Chris and Nate they they had ‘tricked him’ into jumping and that it was all their fault. The two, laughing their asses off, took off running to avoid any further conflict.

One day, I was over at Keith’s house, with Dan. Keith had these toy lazer guns that were for playing lazer tag with. We decided to play the game and Keith got a defective one. It would randomly say he’s been hit. So we all paused for a second to see what was wrong. While he was trying to figure it out, I shot at him a couple times just to fuck around. But I stopped. Then, the thing kept acting defective and he was convinced that I was still shooting him. I thought it was funny, but I told him (while laughing) that it wasn’t me. He wasn’t convinced and started to tell me to ‘knock it off’. Then I started to get annoyed that he was accusing me. It escalated to the point where I told him that I was going home. I was going to sleep over, but now he just pissed me off. I walked a few blocks away and realized that I didn’t want to go home, so I circled back. Once back, I found that Dan was angling to leave. I guess if I wasn’t there, he didn’t want to be there either. But I was back, I BSed that I wasn’t serious, I just wanted him to cool off. I think I did stay over in the end, too.

Keith Klassy was always getting into fights. He always knew just what to say at the wrong time. This saga began with him in gym class. Class had let out, there was two guys (Matt Anderson and Paul Hughs) that were pushing each other around in a homoerotic gestures. Once in the locker room, Keith (for some stupid reason or another) started laughing and saying ‘Sumo wrestlers’, Matt and Paul stopped focusing on each other and directed it on Keith. There was some exchange, I don’t recall what. I do know that someone pushed Keith or something and he threatened in return ‘That’s 1, 3 strikes and you’re out.’ This became the taunt of choice in the following days. Then Matt bull rushed Keith, knocking him off his feet and into Kevin Thomas. Kevin went running out of the locker room to tell the teacher (a substitute, I believe).

The episode grew over a few days, maybe weeks. Finally there was an eruption. One day, again in gym class, the taunting reached its peak. But here’s the ironic twist. Bobby Harris, a guy who had absolutely nothing to do with any of the Keith bullying, inadvertently got involved. Bob is a guy who you just don’t mess with, and he won’t mess with you. I thought he was a cool guy, always nice to me. But I guess that while Keith was leaving, somehow Bob accidentally tripped or stepped on Keith’s shoe. Keith took it as a hostile gesture and attacked Bob. Bob layed him out flat.

I wasn’t there for this scene. I was one of the first people out of the locker room. Me, Kevin and Ben Schafer (you need to know that fact for the following story). After that class, everyone in that class was called to the office for a sit down and sorting of the details of what actually happened. This is when I first found out about the fight even happening. Keith and Bob were suspended for a week. Upon return, Keith got ridiculed again, and Bob was a hero to everyone else.

But there’s another chapter to this story. That day, I had my lunch tickets stolen out of my wallet in my locker in the locker room. I shared a locker with Ben Schafer and I knew it was him, I just could never prove it. And it pissed me off, but what could I do? After that gym class (as the fight was happening) I went to Mrs. Bacon (a teacher friend of mine) and told her my suspicions. When she saw Ben walking towards class, she stopped him and said ‘Justin go his lunch tickets stolen out of his locker in gym class. It’s a shame, I hope the person who took them would give them back to him, he’s a nice guy.’ I found out about that part later. Then we got to do the interviews with everyone in class. We were taken from the class (Me, Kevin, and Ben) and brought into the office. Ben got assigned to Mr. Meyer. When Mr. Meyer asked ‘do you know why you’re here?’ Ben sheepishly said ‘Yeah, because Justin got his lunch tickets stolen.’ Mr. Meyer, confused, said ‘Umm, no, because there was a fight in the locker room after class.

At lunch, Mr. Meyer approached me and asked ‘Did you get your lunch tickets stolen?’ I said ‘yeah, but I didn’t lock my locker, so it’s nobody’s fault but my own.’ But later, Ben was trying to get me in a private setting to ‘tell me something’. I was reluctant, because I didn’t want to be anywhere secluded with him (it looked gay, and not the comfortable amount of gay). He confessed that he took my lunch tickets and said that he would return them if I didn’t tell anyone that he did. I agreed and I held my end of the deal for at least a month.

One day in school, between classes when everyone is in the hallway, I was very hyper. I was running down the hall, probably making noise. Anyway, Mrs. Simonson's office was relatively near my locker, so I was almost there when she said 'Mr. Schober, keep it down'. I was still on my hyper high so I shot back 'NO! NO!!' She got agitated at me and started to approach me. I quickly grabbed a classmate (the faggot Ben Schafer who has a locker next to me) and I shoved him towards Mrs. Simonson and made a dash down the hallway. Mrs. Simonson yelled over to Mrs. Terrill 'stop him' or 'grab him'. Mrs. Terrill then tried to grab me, but I jumped off to the side and ran down the hallway.

One day, Chris & I went over to Nate's house to spend the night. The cool thing about Nate's house was that he had the entire upstairs to himself and his brother. His parents never came upstairs, it was their territory. Anyway, Nate was playing this video game (The Secret of Mana, I had to look up that title it's been so long) and he wanted to show us how to kill this one tough monster. He kept trying to cast this one spell, but it wasn't working. And every time he tried, he got more agitated. Finally he got up and started to literally kick his TV. He kept on kicking until it fell off it's stand and crashed into the window behind it. The glass shattered and fell to the sidewalk below. I remember that Nate was scared about what his parents would do once they found out. I can only recall that his father was just disappointed and his mom was too. Only his mom mentioned that he needs to clean up the upstairs more.

A quick sidenote: Nate's dad never seemed 'all there'. So all the stories you read about him on here, you need to know this fact for the story's full effect.

One time, I was at Nate's and he wanted to cook a pizza. When he went to preheat it at 475 in the oven, we both noticed that there was no numbers on the dial. When his father came inside, he asked him. His father then explained it thusly: You turn the knob all the way until it can't go any further. That's about 500. You turn it slightly back, that's about 475.

The pizza did not come out well, it felt and tasted somewhat doughy.

One day, Nate was playing a game in his room when his dad asked him to come out and help in the barn. Nate said 'in a minute'. An hour later, his dad asked again and Nate answered again. 10 minutes later, his dad asked again. He answered him again. 10 minutes later, he asked again and added 'if you don't come down, I'm coming up there.' Nate again answered 'in a minute'. After a few, he came upstairs and asked again, standing right over him. Nate paid no attention, just saying 'I'll be there in a minute.' His dad stood there, watching him play his game, before finally saying 'Come down soon.' That was the last of that inquires.

Once, I was over at Nate's house. His brother, Nick, was going to be in a school play production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. We opted to walk into town, mostly because we didn't have a ride otherwise. As we started to leave, Nate's dad came up to us and asked 'Hey, Nate, where's Nick at?' Nate sighed and said 'He's in town, dad, he's in a play.' His dad then asked 'Where are you going?' Nate said 'We're walking into town to watch the play.' His dad may have said something after that, I don't remember. As we walked away and onto the road, Nate turned to me and said 'Sad thing is, he drove Nick into town.'

That's all the stories for now. I hoped I shared some nice tales we all can laugh and enjoy with. For those of you who know me or some of the people I've talked about, we can remember these people a little differently now.

When I was in high school, there was this one guy who always came up to me in the hall and would say 'You're my hero'. It was said to be insulting, and it worked at the time. Had such a thing been said to me now, I would react differently. I just remember that I was angry at him. He was always getting on my nerves.

One day, he was walking down the stairs and I was behind him. I had a piece of broken pencil in my hand. I took it and chucked it at him. I was surprised at my accuracy as it bounced off the back of his head. He turned and I bolted in the opposite direction. I remember that I wanted to avoid where ever he was going, which was most likely out in front of the building. I decided to go around the whole school to avoid him. But for some reason, I decided to cut through the school and come out near the bottom of the front of the building.

This proved to be a bad idea. He was literally right there at the door. He spotted me and I thought I was done for, that something was going to happen. To my surprise, he just walked up to me and said 'Hey, kid, don't throw shit at me.' He said it in a threatening manner, but it wasn't all that scary to me.

One day in gym class, Matt Anderson had his big baggy pants just lying on the floor. Matt, at least at the time, had some of the most baggy pants known to man. Jeff Gort, a short guy, picked up Matt's pants and put them on. The pants were so big and Jeff was so small, the pants went all the way up to his nose. He then walked around the locker room, it looked like a pair of pants was walking around the place. Some people were rolling with laughter, others were just amazed.

This story doesn't even involve me, but I like to tell this story anyway. One day, Keith's brother called in sick to school. Now he didn't call in as himself, he called in as his father. Once he had the day off, he was off to do his own thing. Well, the school called his father (I believe at work), and asked if they wanted to send his school work home with his brother. His dad then asked why he would want that when his own son is supposed to be at school anyway.

I remember whenever I was at Keith's, we always played video games or computer games. That's all the entertainment anyone needed, or could derive from his place. One day, I was playing a game and Keith was watching. His little brother came in and wanted to watch too. Somehow those two had made a game about keeping the other out of the room. Soon, this game escalated into a full force fight (SURPRISE!! Bet you didn't see that coming). I remember that I glanced over at the phone next to me, and I was fortunate enough to see it had a time display on it (1:15p). The fight started to turn ugly, like all of Keith's fights tended to turn to. Once he had a moment to himself, I asked 'what time is it? I have to be home at 1:30'. Keith apparently wasn't aware of the time display next to me, and went in search of a clock. He reported the time displayed and I excused myself to get the fuck outta that situation.

Keith got a dartboard put on his bedroom door (on the hallway side). I remember Keith gave me the first dart. He informed me that you had to throw them a little hard so they stuck in the corkboard. Taking that to mind, I threw the first dart with a little more 'umph' then I would normally exert. The dart hit the board with a nice 'thunk'. Keith went over and tried to pull it out. Apparently, I threw it so hard, it went threw the cork and into the wood behind. He was laughing, so I laughed too. Then suddenly he was livid about that and was yelling 'don't throw it so hard' or 'stop throwing them so hard'. I think I said to him that I was done and I probably went home. (Didn't need a phone with display that day).

One day in English class, Barbie Neismen was fixing her hair. She kept fixing it every three minutes. The English room had a mirror on one wall, and she kept going over to it each time. I remember that we were doing some writing assignment, and that she was spending more time fixing her hair then working on the assignment. I even recall a moment when she showed her latest accomplishment to the teacher. I think we had to show our progress at the end of class and I vaguely recall the teacher commenting that if she didn't spend all that time fixing her hair, she would've accomplished something.

One day, I remember asking my Math teacher a math related question. It was a question that I just wanted to know the question to (but for the life of me I can't recall what it even was). She told me that she didn't know and I believe I said something to the effect of 'but you're the math teacher' to which she said a line that would define my opinion of teachers in general: I just teach the class, I don't actually know the subject by heart.

I don't think this would fly in today's society. History class had these little 5 questions that we had to answer at the end of each chapter. Nate was not motivated to do them sometimes. The teacher grew wise to this and decided to make something of it. He handed back the assignment and had Nate read, not only the question, but the answer he had for them. I don't remember most of the questions or the answers, but I do remember vague details. One question asked something to the effect of 'which court system is used for [this]' to which Nate had 'The Food Court'. Another question was phrased so that you had to write an essay for an answer, to which he simply put 'no'. I want to recall that one answer was just a story he wrote that didn't have anything to do with the question posted in the book.

Finally, the part that I thought was funny at the time, but I don't think can happen today. The teacher said 'Give me the answer to the next problem, if it's wrong, I'm going to get up, walk over there, and slap you upside the head.' The question was read and the wrong answer was given. All heads turned to the teacher. Pressure was on. I don't remember if there was a pause of hesitation or not (I don't recall one), but the teacher got out of his desk, walked over, and fulfilled his promise with a slap upside Nate's head.

Ben Schafer shit his pants back in elementary school. That was known to everyone. This little shitter was the same little shit who stole my lunch tickets in High School. Anyway, everyday in first grade small groups of us would go and read with the teacher. I sat near the table where the reading was done. I remember Ben was about to sit down at the table when the teacher said 'Ben, you pooped your pants, didn't you?' Ben, dumbstruck, tried to deny it by shaking his head. The teacher then shot back 'Yes you did, I can smell it.' No other point to this story, other then I wanted to drag Ben's shitty ass through the mud more.

Pissing Contest #2 - I was always up for some competition. Chris Swenson proved to be a somewhat iffy component. I either won or lost against him. But one thing was for sure, a win or a lose, he always boned up on the trade and (at least it seemed like) achieved God status. He bought the game 'Chrono Trigger'. Everyday, he would come to school and tell me and Nate just how far into the game he was. One day, I bought the game too, but I didn't tell anyone. It was a secret. I played the game from the minute school was out to the minute I slept. Sometimes I would wake up early so I could get a couple hours in before the new day began. He would tell me and Nate the whole story. Through that, I could gauge how far apart I was from his progress. Then, one day, I got through the game, Chris was a couple dozen levels in progress behind me. I came to school and bragged about it to him. I so ruled.

Epilogue - then it turned out that Chrono Trigger had several alternative endings. Since I defeated him in conquering the game first, he was determined to finish the game to meet all the requirements to each different ending.

And One Last Side Note - I still have Chrono Trigger to this day, and a copy of this game in it's origianl format can fetch upwards to $140 on eBay.